We have a new plan, and I kinda like it. =)
Our appointment yesterday, which turned into a FOUR hour appointment, was good, bad, and great.
I’ll start with the good. We have a new plan for this cycle. It will look very similar to some of our previous cycles. I’ll have a baseline ultrasound, then start taking Femara, start Follistim injections, have a follicle tracking ultrasound, have an IUI, and then start prometrium progesterone tablets the day after the IUI. I’m excited for this plan. I’m excited to get going on it and see how I respond to the new type of injections. Which leads to the bad…
The first bad part of our new adventure is that Matt informed me last night the he will be in Michigan for 3 days in November. And the way my luck goes, those 3 days fall during our “hopeful IUI” time frame. So after a heated discussion ( =) love you Matthew!) it looks like we will have to push back this cycle by a week. Which of course seems like nothing, but to me it’s just 7 more days of not being able to try, which kills me. We are now officially at our one year mark of trying, which stings a little bit just to even type.
Another bad/sad part of yesterday’s appointment was when we were talking about all of the medicines that I’ve taken in the past. I told him that we had done Repronex and had gotten pregnant with that. He seemed a bit shocked that I was given that injection to take because people with PCOS have very high levels of LH (luteinizing hormone) and the Repronex shot has both FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) and LH hormones. Therefore having a shot that had more LH in it was not helping me, because I already have crazy high levels of that hormone in my body. So the new injections will be pure FSH and will not have any LH in them.
Another thing that came from yesterday’s appointment that I’m not too excited about is that Dr. Davis wants me to have a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This is a pretty common infertility procedure, but I thought I had escaped it. During an HSG dye is inserted into the uterus and then pushed down through your fallopian tubes while being x-rayed to see if the fallopian tubes are completely open, all while fully awake. Sounds exiting doesn’t it?! =) I’ve heard it’s incredibly painful so I’m not looking forward to it. Dr. Davis is concerned that when we miscarried it was because the fetus was actually stuck, and growing in the fallopian tube. So he wants the HSG done to make sure that everything is clear. He is a worried that when I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease and had a surgery to drain an abscess that that may have created scar tissue that eventually caused a blockage in my fallopian tubes. So I will get this procedure done in a few weeks. Luckily Dr. Davis said that we could do the HSG in the same cycle that we start our treatments, so that’s exciting. Another startling bit of information that we learned yesterday is that we are pretty darn close to In Vitro Fertilization. We didn’t really think that we were very close, but this is really our last step. We have 3 tries with what Dr. Davis talked to us about yesterday, and then our next step is IVF. A bit scary to think about.
Now for the great parts of yesterday… we absolutely love Dr. Davis! He is super kind, funny, and caring. In fact, he is so humorous and relaxed, that as he was leaving this conversation went down:
Dr. Davis: “Just so you know, we don’t schedule ultrasounds for Thanksgiving day, so if you happen to need one that day we will just push it back to Friday.” (He then proceeded to leave the room).
A few seconds later…
Dr. Davis pops his head back into our room.
Dr. Davis: “We DO however, use the turkey baster that day!” (for you non infertility people- that is what a lot of people call an IUI, because of the similar apparatus that is used).
Matt and I died laughing! I think that’s the moment that we completely felt at home.
He is SO knowledgeable and just overall was a perfect fit for Matt and me. He is very hopeful that we will be able to get pregnant with these new steps. He said I’m 12 years younger than the clinic’s average patient so my age will be a huge help, also the fact that my body has previously responded to injections, and we were able to get pregnant before, even though it was only for a short time, is a positive for us. We will be able to try these shots 3 times, with a “rest month” in between each cycle. So we really have 6 total months to try with Dr. Davis.
I’m a little nervous about all of the appointments, getting off work, and traveling to Iowa City for everything, but I truly feel that we are where we are supposed to be. Thank you again for all of the prayers, we SO appreciate it!
November 7, 2009
November 5, 2009
Dan, Jenni, Hannah & Mia
Matt and I got to take our good friends family pictures last weekend. We had a blast! Hannah is quite an energetic girl, and Mia is such a laid back sweet baby. Here are just a few of my favorites.
Dan, Jenni, Hannah (18 months) & Mia (6 weeks).
Hannah holding Jenni's wedding ring to help keep her happy. I love this picture!
**Off to our appointment at the University of Iowa Hospital... I am
SO excited!!! I'll post more when we get back tonight.**
Dan, Jenni, Hannah (18 months) & Mia (6 weeks).
Hannah holding Jenni's wedding ring to help keep her happy. I love this picture!
**Off to our appointment at the University of Iowa Hospital... I am
SO excited!!! I'll post more when we get back tonight.**
November 3, 2009
From tears to pure excitement!
It has been quite a week! We thought we were completely in the clear to head to the University Of Iowa Hospital's Infertility Clinic....apparently we were wrong.
On Monday I called my insurance company to ask if all of the referral paperwork had been sent in and approved. They told me that they had received nothing. I didn't panic too much yet, I figured they just were taking a while to get it done. When I went for another appointment on Tuesday I asked Dr. B (my old Dr, who is in the same office as Dr. O, my current infertility Dr.)if she had any idea how long a referral form should take to get sent in. She said she wasn't sure, but she would check on it for me. She did check on it, and what she had to tell me on Wednesday morning wasn't pleasant. She said that in my file it said that Dr. O had denied the referral to Iowa City. Tears began to roll down my cheeks. The only thing that had helped me move on from this cycle, and the fact that it was a complete bust, was that we were able to move onto Iowa City, which had brought renewed hope.
She said she had no idea why it would have been denied. I explained that we were very ready to move on, and that we have a limited amount of insurance money for infertility coverage, and that we needed to move on while we still had some money left. She completely understood and was on our side. She said she would go talk to Dr. O and find out what was going on. (I should mention at this point, that Dr. B was a COMPLETE life saver! She totally went to bat for us! I'm not sure why no one had informed me that it had been denied anyway, so likely I would have showed up to Iowa City with NO COVERAGE... and I can't imagine what a 3 hour appointment would have cost out of pocket!!!).
She called me back later in the day to tell me that the referral nurse at our office had asked Dr. O if he had referred me, he said no, so she denied the claim. Apparently Dr. O's nurse, who we had talked to after the ultrasound showed nothing, and who said she understood if we wanted to move on, we were at the end of the road for treatments at our local office, and she would get Dr. O to sign the papers had NOT done that. So Dr. O had no clue what was going on, and simply denied it. He agreed to approve it now that he knew the situation.
This leads us up to Thursday morning. Dr. O was leaving at noon for a week long conference, so I had to have the referral paperwork approved by NOON! At 10:30 I called and talked to a very rude referral nurse who told me that as far as she knew (she was gone the day before when Dr. B helped straighten it out) Dr. O had denied it, and "unless she heard him say to her face that it was approved, she knew no different". Needless to say I was now steaming. I had 90 minutes to get this nurse straightened out, and a stinking piece of paper signed so that we could go to the specialist. Some more tears were shed, and then I made another phone call to Dr. B. She told me that she would go talk to the referral nurse and Dr. O again. At 2pm I still hadn't heard anything and I was sure it hadn't been approved before he left. I decided for my sanity, and the rest of my co-worker's sanity, I needed to call and get the final verdict.
I called Dr. B and she told me that the paperwork had been signed! Hallelujah, I could hear angels singing I swear! I felt SO relieved! Now we had to wait for the insurance company to approve it, we were told we would know within 24 hours. So I sat alone (Matt was out of state for work) and waited. By Friday afternoon everything had been approved by everyone! We are now officially good to go to the University of Iowa Hospital's Center for Advanced Reproductive Care!!! Yahoo!!!
In 48 hours we will be in our first of 3 appointments in Iowa City, I can hardly contain myself! I am so excited! I have 3 pages of questions ready, a referral form ready, a HUGE file folder of my copied records ready, and tons of other "stuff" I have to bring all set out and ready. Our appointment is from 1:00pm to 4:00pm. We have an appointment with the head nurse, a 2 hour appointment with the head PCOS doctor, and a diagnostic ultrasound to finish off the day.
My hope and dreams are back... I am so hopeful that they have the answers and treatments that we need. Come on Iowa city... make us a baby!!!
**We took some friend's family pictures on Sunday, their pics will be posted this week, I promise they are adorable!**
On Monday I called my insurance company to ask if all of the referral paperwork had been sent in and approved. They told me that they had received nothing. I didn't panic too much yet, I figured they just were taking a while to get it done. When I went for another appointment on Tuesday I asked Dr. B (my old Dr, who is in the same office as Dr. O, my current infertility Dr.)if she had any idea how long a referral form should take to get sent in. She said she wasn't sure, but she would check on it for me. She did check on it, and what she had to tell me on Wednesday morning wasn't pleasant. She said that in my file it said that Dr. O had denied the referral to Iowa City. Tears began to roll down my cheeks. The only thing that had helped me move on from this cycle, and the fact that it was a complete bust, was that we were able to move onto Iowa City, which had brought renewed hope.
She said she had no idea why it would have been denied. I explained that we were very ready to move on, and that we have a limited amount of insurance money for infertility coverage, and that we needed to move on while we still had some money left. She completely understood and was on our side. She said she would go talk to Dr. O and find out what was going on. (I should mention at this point, that Dr. B was a COMPLETE life saver! She totally went to bat for us! I'm not sure why no one had informed me that it had been denied anyway, so likely I would have showed up to Iowa City with NO COVERAGE... and I can't imagine what a 3 hour appointment would have cost out of pocket!!!).
She called me back later in the day to tell me that the referral nurse at our office had asked Dr. O if he had referred me, he said no, so she denied the claim. Apparently Dr. O's nurse, who we had talked to after the ultrasound showed nothing, and who said she understood if we wanted to move on, we were at the end of the road for treatments at our local office, and she would get Dr. O to sign the papers had NOT done that. So Dr. O had no clue what was going on, and simply denied it. He agreed to approve it now that he knew the situation.
This leads us up to Thursday morning. Dr. O was leaving at noon for a week long conference, so I had to have the referral paperwork approved by NOON! At 10:30 I called and talked to a very rude referral nurse who told me that as far as she knew (she was gone the day before when Dr. B helped straighten it out) Dr. O had denied it, and "unless she heard him say to her face that it was approved, she knew no different". Needless to say I was now steaming. I had 90 minutes to get this nurse straightened out, and a stinking piece of paper signed so that we could go to the specialist. Some more tears were shed, and then I made another phone call to Dr. B. She told me that she would go talk to the referral nurse and Dr. O again. At 2pm I still hadn't heard anything and I was sure it hadn't been approved before he left. I decided for my sanity, and the rest of my co-worker's sanity, I needed to call and get the final verdict.
I called Dr. B and she told me that the paperwork had been signed! Hallelujah, I could hear angels singing I swear! I felt SO relieved! Now we had to wait for the insurance company to approve it, we were told we would know within 24 hours. So I sat alone (Matt was out of state for work) and waited. By Friday afternoon everything had been approved by everyone! We are now officially good to go to the University of Iowa Hospital's Center for Advanced Reproductive Care!!! Yahoo!!!
In 48 hours we will be in our first of 3 appointments in Iowa City, I can hardly contain myself! I am so excited! I have 3 pages of questions ready, a referral form ready, a HUGE file folder of my copied records ready, and tons of other "stuff" I have to bring all set out and ready. Our appointment is from 1:00pm to 4:00pm. We have an appointment with the head nurse, a 2 hour appointment with the head PCOS doctor, and a diagnostic ultrasound to finish off the day.
My hope and dreams are back... I am so hopeful that they have the answers and treatments that we need. Come on Iowa city... make us a baby!!!
**We took some friend's family pictures on Sunday, their pics will be posted this week, I promise they are adorable!**
October 26, 2009
my first volunteers... fall family pictures
I was lucky enough to have two great friends volunteer their families so that I could practice taking some pictures.
The first family up was Renee (I teach in the room right next to her) and her husband Drew, and their two adorable daugther's Grace (3) and Olivia (8 months).
The second adorable family that let me take pictures of them were Ashley and Erik and their cutie pie son Kyler who is 6 months old.
I had a blast with both of these families and greatly appreciate them letting me experiment with them, thanks guys!
And lastly, our attempt at a family picture.
The first family up was Renee (I teach in the room right next to her) and her husband Drew, and their two adorable daugther's Grace (3) and Olivia (8 months).
The second adorable family that let me take pictures of them were Ashley and Erik and their cutie pie son Kyler who is 6 months old.
I had a blast with both of these families and greatly appreciate them letting me experiment with them, thanks guys!
And lastly, our attempt at a family picture.
October 24, 2009
My shoes, My story
My Shoes, My Story
I don’t tell our story so that you can judge me. I don’t tell our story so that you can nit-pick away at my life.
I tell our story for me.
I tell our story for the woman who has just been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and needs another woman’s story to connect with. I tell our story for my family and friends, so that they may read if they choose to, and so that they can ask questions if they want to.
So read if you want, but please, don’t judge. For you have never walked a day in these size 10 shoes.
I don’t tell our story so that you can judge me. I don’t tell our story so that you can nit-pick away at my life.
I tell our story for me.
I tell our story for the woman who has just been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and needs another woman’s story to connect with. I tell our story for my family and friends, so that they may read if they choose to, and so that they can ask questions if they want to.
So read if you want, but please, don’t judge. For you have never walked a day in these size 10 shoes.
October 23, 2009
homecoming
Last weekend was UNI's homecoming. We celebrated with a little tailgating, camper style. It was so cold here that we decided we would take our camper and that way we could get out of the cold from time to time. We had a blast! A bunch of our friends from our church group came up as well as a few other friends and my parents.
Travis is a phenomenal cook. So for our tailgating we could not have plain hamburgers and weenies... oh no, we had ribs and Swedish meatballs!
Dad and Matt being silly.
Our small group in front of the UNI Dome where the Panthers play (Travis & Anne, Matt & I, Jackee & Shane)
Lauren and Ashley (with Kyler) stopped up for a bit too!
Unfortunately they didn't play nearly as well as they have all year and so they lost 20-27.
Travis is a phenomenal cook. So for our tailgating we could not have plain hamburgers and weenies... oh no, we had ribs and Swedish meatballs!
Dad and Matt being silly.
Our small group in front of the UNI Dome where the Panthers play (Travis & Anne, Matt & I, Jackee & Shane)
Lauren and Ashley (with Kyler) stopped up for a bit too!
Unfortunately they didn't play nearly as well as they have all year and so they lost 20-27.
I will look for the positives... I will look for the positives...
Well we are completely out for this month. Not a single follicle (egg) could be seen on the ultrasound... we have no chance at anything. I bawled my eyes out, I'm so frustrated. The exact same shots that produced two great looking follicles in July that led to a pregnancy, have now done not-a-darn-thing. As the ultrasound tech was flipping through my file, she kept going back further, and then so politely said “wow, you haven’t had any follicles since July!” Yeah… no kidding. Why do you think I’m so anxious and ready to have a chance at getting pregnant again?! She scheduled me to come back next Tuesday for another ultrasound “incase something pops up”, I’m not holding my breath. If high powered shots don’t do the trick, I doubt that my body will magically start making hormones to produce the follicles.
I took all of this news as a nudge from God. There is nothing left for us to try with our Dr. here. We have been wishy washy about going to the University of Iowa Hospital's Center for Advanced Reproductive Care, so now is the time to go. We have absolutely no dates to try and time it out around, as nothing is happening this month so whenever we go is fine.
Last time I was at our current Dr’s office I asked about making an appointment with a specialist, they told me that I could not make an appointment by myself, they would have to have the referral from the Dr. and then they would call and make it. So today I decided it was time to do a little investigating. I called myself to the Center for Advanced Reproductive Care in Iowa City. She asked why I wanted to be seen… good question. Maybe because I have PCOS, MTHFR, Crohn’s Disease, had a miscarriage and have exhausted all efforts here, her reply: “Could you come on Monday?” We can’t go on Monday because Matt will be in New Mexico, and we don’t have our referral paperwork through yet… but HELLO? Did she just offer me an appointment? I’ll take it! So we are now scheduled to see the well known miracle worker Dr. Davis in two weeks, November 5th. There is nothing more that I hate than being lied to. I obviously CAN make my own appointment thank you very much! Our appointment in Iowa City will be almost exactly a year from when we began trying.. a year!!! I can't even believe it, more to come on that thought in another post.
So then I had to make the call of courage. I had to call my nurse here and explain that we would like a referral to Iowa City. She was very understanding. She said that sometimes they run out of all of their options, and that she completely understood, and that all she wants is for us to be pregnant. I was SO glad that she wasn’t offended by our decision to move on. We have absolutely loved the care that we have gotten. Dr. O, our nurse, and the ultrasound tech have been great, but now we need more.
This month has taught me a lot. Both times that I have stood up for myself and been slightly pushy for what I wanted, I got it, and it was a good thing. The MTHFR test took some pushing and it was positive, now this appointment took some pushing and I got it.
I am sad to move on, mainly because this means that we have MAJOR infertility problems that a local Dr. can’t handle. But I am SO excited to see what Dr. Davis has to say and what he thinks we need to do.
So now a two week wait of another sort. I can handle this.
I took all of this news as a nudge from God. There is nothing left for us to try with our Dr. here. We have been wishy washy about going to the University of Iowa Hospital's Center for Advanced Reproductive Care, so now is the time to go. We have absolutely no dates to try and time it out around, as nothing is happening this month so whenever we go is fine.
Last time I was at our current Dr’s office I asked about making an appointment with a specialist, they told me that I could not make an appointment by myself, they would have to have the referral from the Dr. and then they would call and make it. So today I decided it was time to do a little investigating. I called myself to the Center for Advanced Reproductive Care in Iowa City. She asked why I wanted to be seen… good question. Maybe because I have PCOS, MTHFR, Crohn’s Disease, had a miscarriage and have exhausted all efforts here, her reply: “Could you come on Monday?” We can’t go on Monday because Matt will be in New Mexico, and we don’t have our referral paperwork through yet… but HELLO? Did she just offer me an appointment? I’ll take it! So we are now scheduled to see the well known miracle worker Dr. Davis in two weeks, November 5th. There is nothing more that I hate than being lied to. I obviously CAN make my own appointment thank you very much! Our appointment in Iowa City will be almost exactly a year from when we began trying.. a year!!! I can't even believe it, more to come on that thought in another post.
So then I had to make the call of courage. I had to call my nurse here and explain that we would like a referral to Iowa City. She was very understanding. She said that sometimes they run out of all of their options, and that she completely understood, and that all she wants is for us to be pregnant. I was SO glad that she wasn’t offended by our decision to move on. We have absolutely loved the care that we have gotten. Dr. O, our nurse, and the ultrasound tech have been great, but now we need more.
This month has taught me a lot. Both times that I have stood up for myself and been slightly pushy for what I wanted, I got it, and it was a good thing. The MTHFR test took some pushing and it was positive, now this appointment took some pushing and I got it.
I am sad to move on, mainly because this means that we have MAJOR infertility problems that a local Dr. can’t handle. But I am SO excited to see what Dr. Davis has to say and what he thinks we need to do.
So now a two week wait of another sort. I can handle this.
October 18, 2009
How to be a friend
I found this article here, and thought it was too good not to share. The author wrote this article after one of her friend's asked her to write about how to be a good friend to someone who is dealing with infertility. It's a bit long (and slightly inappropriate at parts) but REALLY good. I completely agree with what this author says at the end, thank you to all of our good friends who have been around for us during this last year, you have no idea how much we appreciate it.
How to be Good Friends with an Infertile
By Tertia Loebenberg
Firstly, I have to say that this being a Good Friend to an Infertile is not an easy job at all. It is a job with fluid parameters, a thankless job sometimes and one where it might appear that no matter how hard you try, you never seem to get it right. There are times when you will be extremely busy and the job is very demanding. There are other times where you will benched, forced to sit on the outside looking in. There is not often any logic in this change of demand. Be aware of the volatility of work pressure when applying for this job. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.
Secondly, there is not a universal job description, and worst of all, your job duties will change over time. There is not a universal job description because Infertiles come in different flavors. True, one can categorize these flavors to some extent, but variations will always exist. Your eternal optimist / newbie / completely uninvolved infertile doesn’t need too much in the way of special friendship; they believe the problem is temporary and will get resolved soon. They don’t feel broken, different or an outcast. Your longer term / highly involved infertile is a very tricky beast, and is one to be handled with great caution and protective gloves (for you, not her). This person feels alienated from society and carries great pain and angst in their souls. They might not show it all the time, but there is a very sensitive, raw spot in their souls that is easily bruised. Then you get the older timers, who’ve been doing this so long it just becomes part of who they are. These infertiles have gone through the great angst and intense pain of the ‘dark years’ and have come out realizing that while infertility is s*&$, it is not all consuming. And instead of crying, they laugh. Because infertility is actually a comedy of errors, sometimes.
Infertiles tend to move through these stages at different pace. Which makes it very hard being a Good Friend to an Infertile, because the type of friendship involved is so different at each stage. It is very very hard being a Good Friend to someone stuck in the dark stage of infertility. It is a very painful place for an infertile to be. There is no hope, just a great deep dark sense of despair. You feel totally alienated from the rest of the world and you are consumed by your situation. Every thing hurts, and every thing has the power to hurt you. Your world shrinks to the world of infertility and you fight tooth and nail to protect the fragile hold you have on sanity. The best advice I can give to a Good Friend at this stage is to offer friendship and support, from a distance. Say things like “I am here for you if you want to talk, or not talk, or drink, or swear, or shop. But if you don’t want to that’s perfectly ok. I’ll be here waiting for you when YOU are ready to come out the cave”. If you can bare it, hang in there, your friendship should return to some semblance of its previous form once your Infertile has worked her way through her dark despair. It has nothing to do with you or you ability to friend, it has every thing to do with her coping with the horrible reality of her situation.
Being a Good Friend to the eternal optimist or the good-humored veteran is a lot easier, with these few survival tips.
1. Good Friends never judge. Remember that unless you’ve walked in the person’s shoes, you can’t say “well I would never….do IVF/terminate a pg/spend so much money on ART etc” To be honest, who likes judgmental people any way.
2. Good Friends will educate themselves about what their Infertile is going through. HUGE proviso: see point 3 before putting any thing into action. Read up about infertility so that you get a high-level understanding of the intricacies involved. Know little things like eggs are retrieved, then fertilized and they become embryos. Then the embryos are put back. Just small things so that when your infertile does share some of her world with you, you will understand. I think this shows commitment to the friendship.
3. However. Do not willy nilly offer advice, or hot off the press latest research about a fantastic new procedure that is sure to work. Remember the stuff they write about in your local woman’s magazine is stuff that your Infertile did in Infertility 101. Been there, failed that. ICSI is not a new procedure, I promise. And yes, we have heard of taking cough syrup to increase cervical mucous. Oh, and for my Aunt, yes I have heard of lying with my legs in the air after having sex. Unfortunately, I have PCOS and don’t ovulate so I could be lying with my legs in the air doing bicycle movements till the cows come home and all the sperm are going to do is mill around confused asking where the f the egg is, bemoaning the fact that this has been a useless trip out and they might as well have had a wank. Which goes back to Point 2. Educate yourself about your friend’s diagnosis so that you can avoid offering pointless advice. And please, what ever you do, never, ever be so stupid as to say “just relax”. Would you say to a cancer patient “just relax”? Would you say to someone who can’t see “just relax”? Of course you wouldn’t. Plus you have to know that “just relaxing” will not change the medical diagnosis that is causing your friends infertility. Because of course you’ve done enough reading to carry on an intelligent conversation, if your Infertile decides to engage you in one.
4. Platitudes. Never ever offer platitudes. This is a totally selfish act any way because all platitudes do is make you feel better and the Infertile feel worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly stupid thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin etc”. Infertility is a medical condition. Not some factor in the universe’s bigger plan for the Infertile. Similar to “its God will”. How the f do you know? You have a direct connection or what? How about “are you sure you want kids?” lovingly looking at your own screaming kids. No dear, I am spending thousands and enduring physical, emotional and mental anguish just because I am obscenely stupid. Or “you can have mine”. Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke? Call me stupid. In addition, please don’t tell me about your friend/cousin/co-worker who got pg naturally after 8 years of trying. It doesn’t make me feel better, it depresses me. Good for her. It’s got nothing to do with my situation.
5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.
6. The level of involvement. Infertiles differ in the level of involvement they engage their Good Friends in. Some, like me, are pretty open about the whole thing. Every Friend and their Mother knows when I am going in for ER, ET or whatever. Other people prefer to keep their infertility private. Find out what your Infertile prefers and operate at the level she feels comfortable with.
7. Which brings to me to my final point. If you don’t know how to act, ask. I love that my friends ask me how I want them to act around me. They also know that if they ask the question “how is it going with your treatment” I will either tell them or I will say “irritating, I don’t want to talk about it now”. They totally respect that and don’t push. I have great friends.
To end off, if you decide to accept the job of Good Friend to an Infertile, I applaud you. Because it is not an easy job. It really isn’t. As I have said, it’s a pretty thankless job and one in which your job description is so fluid that what is required today is wrong tomorrow. I thank those of my Good Friends who have stuck around so long with me. I know it hasn’t been easy. I appreciate your friendship, I really do.
How to be Good Friends with an Infertile
By Tertia Loebenberg
Firstly, I have to say that this being a Good Friend to an Infertile is not an easy job at all. It is a job with fluid parameters, a thankless job sometimes and one where it might appear that no matter how hard you try, you never seem to get it right. There are times when you will be extremely busy and the job is very demanding. There are other times where you will benched, forced to sit on the outside looking in. There is not often any logic in this change of demand. Be aware of the volatility of work pressure when applying for this job. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.
Secondly, there is not a universal job description, and worst of all, your job duties will change over time. There is not a universal job description because Infertiles come in different flavors. True, one can categorize these flavors to some extent, but variations will always exist. Your eternal optimist / newbie / completely uninvolved infertile doesn’t need too much in the way of special friendship; they believe the problem is temporary and will get resolved soon. They don’t feel broken, different or an outcast. Your longer term / highly involved infertile is a very tricky beast, and is one to be handled with great caution and protective gloves (for you, not her). This person feels alienated from society and carries great pain and angst in their souls. They might not show it all the time, but there is a very sensitive, raw spot in their souls that is easily bruised. Then you get the older timers, who’ve been doing this so long it just becomes part of who they are. These infertiles have gone through the great angst and intense pain of the ‘dark years’ and have come out realizing that while infertility is s*&$, it is not all consuming. And instead of crying, they laugh. Because infertility is actually a comedy of errors, sometimes.
Infertiles tend to move through these stages at different pace. Which makes it very hard being a Good Friend to an Infertile, because the type of friendship involved is so different at each stage. It is very very hard being a Good Friend to someone stuck in the dark stage of infertility. It is a very painful place for an infertile to be. There is no hope, just a great deep dark sense of despair. You feel totally alienated from the rest of the world and you are consumed by your situation. Every thing hurts, and every thing has the power to hurt you. Your world shrinks to the world of infertility and you fight tooth and nail to protect the fragile hold you have on sanity. The best advice I can give to a Good Friend at this stage is to offer friendship and support, from a distance. Say things like “I am here for you if you want to talk, or not talk, or drink, or swear, or shop. But if you don’t want to that’s perfectly ok. I’ll be here waiting for you when YOU are ready to come out the cave”. If you can bare it, hang in there, your friendship should return to some semblance of its previous form once your Infertile has worked her way through her dark despair. It has nothing to do with you or you ability to friend, it has every thing to do with her coping with the horrible reality of her situation.
Being a Good Friend to the eternal optimist or the good-humored veteran is a lot easier, with these few survival tips.
1. Good Friends never judge. Remember that unless you’ve walked in the person’s shoes, you can’t say “well I would never….do IVF/terminate a pg/spend so much money on ART etc” To be honest, who likes judgmental people any way.
2. Good Friends will educate themselves about what their Infertile is going through. HUGE proviso: see point 3 before putting any thing into action. Read up about infertility so that you get a high-level understanding of the intricacies involved. Know little things like eggs are retrieved, then fertilized and they become embryos. Then the embryos are put back. Just small things so that when your infertile does share some of her world with you, you will understand. I think this shows commitment to the friendship.
3. However. Do not willy nilly offer advice, or hot off the press latest research about a fantastic new procedure that is sure to work. Remember the stuff they write about in your local woman’s magazine is stuff that your Infertile did in Infertility 101. Been there, failed that. ICSI is not a new procedure, I promise. And yes, we have heard of taking cough syrup to increase cervical mucous. Oh, and for my Aunt, yes I have heard of lying with my legs in the air after having sex. Unfortunately, I have PCOS and don’t ovulate so I could be lying with my legs in the air doing bicycle movements till the cows come home and all the sperm are going to do is mill around confused asking where the f the egg is, bemoaning the fact that this has been a useless trip out and they might as well have had a wank. Which goes back to Point 2. Educate yourself about your friend’s diagnosis so that you can avoid offering pointless advice. And please, what ever you do, never, ever be so stupid as to say “just relax”. Would you say to a cancer patient “just relax”? Would you say to someone who can’t see “just relax”? Of course you wouldn’t. Plus you have to know that “just relaxing” will not change the medical diagnosis that is causing your friends infertility. Because of course you’ve done enough reading to carry on an intelligent conversation, if your Infertile decides to engage you in one.
4. Platitudes. Never ever offer platitudes. This is a totally selfish act any way because all platitudes do is make you feel better and the Infertile feel worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly stupid thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin etc”. Infertility is a medical condition. Not some factor in the universe’s bigger plan for the Infertile. Similar to “its God will”. How the f do you know? You have a direct connection or what? How about “are you sure you want kids?” lovingly looking at your own screaming kids. No dear, I am spending thousands and enduring physical, emotional and mental anguish just because I am obscenely stupid. Or “you can have mine”. Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke? Call me stupid. In addition, please don’t tell me about your friend/cousin/co-worker who got pg naturally after 8 years of trying. It doesn’t make me feel better, it depresses me. Good for her. It’s got nothing to do with my situation.
5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.
6. The level of involvement. Infertiles differ in the level of involvement they engage their Good Friends in. Some, like me, are pretty open about the whole thing. Every Friend and their Mother knows when I am going in for ER, ET or whatever. Other people prefer to keep their infertility private. Find out what your Infertile prefers and operate at the level she feels comfortable with.
7. Which brings to me to my final point. If you don’t know how to act, ask. I love that my friends ask me how I want them to act around me. They also know that if they ask the question “how is it going with your treatment” I will either tell them or I will say “irritating, I don’t want to talk about it now”. They totally respect that and don’t push. I have great friends.
To end off, if you decide to accept the job of Good Friend to an Infertile, I applaud you. Because it is not an easy job. It really isn’t. As I have said, it’s a pretty thankless job and one in which your job description is so fluid that what is required today is wrong tomorrow. I thank those of my Good Friends who have stuck around so long with me. I know it hasn’t been easy. I appreciate your friendship, I really do.
October 17, 2009
Anticipation of an Infertile
Anticipation of an Infertile
There are days that I am fairly certain that I may die at any moment from “anticipationitis”. I am constantly anxiously anticipating something, the next pill, shot, or appointment. My. Mind. Is. Never. Still. It’s hard to escape the desire in my heart to have children. It is this desire that drives me to push onward with treatments, and tests, and anticipation of…
The day that we can begin the next round of medicines
Watching the syringe fill with liquid
Feeling the needle penetrate my skin
Waiting for an email response from my principal asking to leave early so
that I can make an appointment
Feeling the twinges that let me know that everything is “working”
Seeing the fully grown eggs on the ultrasound screen
Hearing the nurse tell us that everything looks great
Having my blood drawn and waiting to see how many sticks it will take today
The phone call from our nurse
The exact hour that I get the final trigger shot
The exact 36 hour wait before the IUI
The 20,160 minutes that will pass until we can find out if we are pregnant
Telling our parents… for the 2nd time, that we are pregnant
The 6th week and the first ultrasound to hear the heartbeat and to find out
how many car seats we will need to start saving for
Holding our breaths for that magical 13th week “safety net”
Telling our friends and coworkers that we are finally going to be parents
Finding out the gender(s) at week 20
Finally not being a guest at someone else’s baby shower
Sitting through childbirth classes with Matt by my side
Experiencing labor and all the glory that comes with it
Holding our precious, beautiful, so badly wanted and waited for babies!!!
So I guess I’ll sit back and anxiously anticipate the magical moments that will be coming.
There are days that I am fairly certain that I may die at any moment from “anticipationitis”. I am constantly anxiously anticipating something, the next pill, shot, or appointment. My. Mind. Is. Never. Still. It’s hard to escape the desire in my heart to have children. It is this desire that drives me to push onward with treatments, and tests, and anticipation of…
The day that we can begin the next round of medicines
Watching the syringe fill with liquid
Feeling the needle penetrate my skin
Waiting for an email response from my principal asking to leave early so
that I can make an appointment
Feeling the twinges that let me know that everything is “working”
Seeing the fully grown eggs on the ultrasound screen
Hearing the nurse tell us that everything looks great
Having my blood drawn and waiting to see how many sticks it will take today
The phone call from our nurse
The exact hour that I get the final trigger shot
The exact 36 hour wait before the IUI
The 20,160 minutes that will pass until we can find out if we are pregnant
Telling our parents… for the 2nd time, that we are pregnant
The 6th week and the first ultrasound to hear the heartbeat and to find out
how many car seats we will need to start saving for
Holding our breaths for that magical 13th week “safety net”
Telling our friends and coworkers that we are finally going to be parents
Finding out the gender(s) at week 20
Finally not being a guest at someone else’s baby shower
Sitting through childbirth classes with Matt by my side
Experiencing labor and all the glory that comes with it
Holding our precious, beautiful, so badly wanted and waited for babies!!!
So I guess I’ll sit back and anxiously anticipate the magical moments that will be coming.
October 14, 2009
I'm in love with...
photography!!! For the first time in my adult life, I have a real, true hobby! I did the wedding planning hobby for a year and a half and loved it (and then helped a few friends, and then that hobby ended), I did the grad school thing for a year (after graduation in July that "hobby" ended), and this fall I was left with not a thing to do with my free time that I truly enjoyed. I like to golf with Matt and my dad, but I can only take about once or twice a month before I'm burnt out.
AND THEN, we bought a new digital SLR camera! (As described in this post). And a new hobby was born! Matt and I just finished an intro to SLR camera course at the store where we bought our camera and we are now armed with some knowledge of how our beast works. Although, we only know about 25% of the features and functions that our camera is truly capable of doing, but we'll get to the rest as needed.
Every year Matt and I take a "fall leaf trip" where we head off towards Illinois or Wisconsin to look for beautifully burnt orange turning leaves. Each year I simply get in the car and we take off. Matt usually knows the destination, I'm just along for the ride (and an AMAZING nap on the way)!
This year we ended up in Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin. This year we packed our new camera and a tripod. On the way we passed this beautiful, old, abandoned church. As we went racing past it I yelled for Matt to turn around. And it was at this amazing church that we were able to get these pictures: (we used the tripod and set the 10 second timer and ran!)
**I'm not sure why these pictures look so blurry when they are little, if you click on them and make them bigger they look much better, like they should! =) **
We spent almost an hour at the church finding cool places to try out our camera. We then left and headed further down the road until we saw another beautiful area in the distance. We both had our eye on it. We found an old railroad car, a very warn down-about to fall apart building, and a beautifully restored building of some sort, and we were able to get these pictures:
Overall we had a blast! I am in love with some of the pictures that we took. I actually get to take a very good friend's family pictures this weekend, I am VERY excited! I'll post some of their pictures (if she gives me permission) on Sunday after we are done.
I am super excited to have this new hobby... now we just need kids of our own so that I can truly have a model whenever I need one! =) Speaking of, we were cleared to start up with shots and the whole "hoopla" again so hopefully around...ummm July 2010 I'll have a fresh model to take pictures of. Fingers crossed! =)
P.S.
Matt got a wild hair and created his own blog this weekend. Check it out here if you have a second. He is going to post some of the pictures that we take every few weeks (assuming he doesn't give up on it and it doesn't sit with one post for the next year). =)
AND THEN, we bought a new digital SLR camera! (As described in this post). And a new hobby was born! Matt and I just finished an intro to SLR camera course at the store where we bought our camera and we are now armed with some knowledge of how our beast works. Although, we only know about 25% of the features and functions that our camera is truly capable of doing, but we'll get to the rest as needed.
Every year Matt and I take a "fall leaf trip" where we head off towards Illinois or Wisconsin to look for beautifully burnt orange turning leaves. Each year I simply get in the car and we take off. Matt usually knows the destination, I'm just along for the ride (and an AMAZING nap on the way)!
This year we ended up in Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin. This year we packed our new camera and a tripod. On the way we passed this beautiful, old, abandoned church. As we went racing past it I yelled for Matt to turn around. And it was at this amazing church that we were able to get these pictures: (we used the tripod and set the 10 second timer and ran!)
**I'm not sure why these pictures look so blurry when they are little, if you click on them and make them bigger they look much better, like they should! =) **
We spent almost an hour at the church finding cool places to try out our camera. We then left and headed further down the road until we saw another beautiful area in the distance. We both had our eye on it. We found an old railroad car, a very warn down-about to fall apart building, and a beautifully restored building of some sort, and we were able to get these pictures:
Overall we had a blast! I am in love with some of the pictures that we took. I actually get to take a very good friend's family pictures this weekend, I am VERY excited! I'll post some of their pictures (if she gives me permission) on Sunday after we are done.
I am super excited to have this new hobby... now we just need kids of our own so that I can truly have a model whenever I need one! =) Speaking of, we were cleared to start up with shots and the whole "hoopla" again so hopefully around...ummm July 2010 I'll have a fresh model to take pictures of. Fingers crossed! =)
P.S.
Matt got a wild hair and created his own blog this weekend. Check it out here if you have a second. He is going to post some of the pictures that we take every few weeks (assuming he doesn't give up on it and it doesn't sit with one post for the next year). =)
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